Yesterday I was driving along when a newsflash came across my phone announcing that Philip Seymour Hoffman had died from an apparent drug overdose. Wow- Really? He had checked into rehab a couple of years ago and everyone believed he was on the straight and narrow. They found him on the bathroom floor with a syringe in his arm suggesting otherwise.
I’m not going to bash PSH. Let the poor man rest in peace from whatever demons tortured him. What I find troubling is that he is one in a long list that keeps growing. It’s certainly not that he didn’t know better. I suspect he knew all too well.
And so do I… and so do you… And yet- why is that we continue to do things over and over that we know without any doubt are harmful or even lethal to us? The obvious answer– we are human. But there are other humans that don’t, or at least not as often.
We can say it is our bad childhood, our bad marriage, we went to the wrong school, not enough money, education…. Another long list. But at the end of the day it really comes down to something very simple-although not easy- And that is that we have to make a decision every single minute of every single day- to live well or to not live well. To be our best self- or to not be our best self. And so often, we have created lives so full of noise, distraction and patterns that allow us to feel like we don’t have time to think through those decisions. Instead we just move like a pinball from bumper to bumper in a way that appears to be directed by everything and everyone except us.
Looking at only the day Hoffman died and saying it was from a drug overdose, I think does him a disservice on so many levels. But certainly not the least of these is discounting all of the events that led up to that fatal decision. Was he troubled? Maybe. Or did he just not want to feel some type of pain? Did he mean to end it all or was he just trying to get relief?
Addictions, vices, provide a temporary escape from the reality and hardness of life and that of course, is what makes them so attractive and appealing. Some are more temporary than are others. And we “treat” them by focusing on the symptom. We educate ourselves about the perils of alcohol, drugs etc.
But the symptom, I think isn’t the use of our vices– rather, its our unwillingness and fear to not use them. It’s our insecurity or disbelief that we will be able to live well if we meet life head on-on life’s terms, rather than on terms we feel are “fair” or desirable.
Someone told me once that “if you do what you are supposed to do, when you are supposed to do it, things generally turn out okay”. I believe there is a lot of merit to that- but it’s not full proof. Sometimes you can do everything you are supposed to do, and things still don’t turn out like you think they are supposed to. Then what?
Then what is that we need a plan B that is based on the 3Rs– Not reading riting and rithmatic, but Regulation, Resiliency and Reverence.
Regulation- how much do we really need? Do those needs come from an internal voice we recognize and trust?
Resiliency- Can we handle getting our needs met? Can we handle it when they don’t? How do we react/respond when needs are met and not met?
Reverence- Do we have a good balance between the desire to get our needs met and the needs of those around us? Do we appreciate what it means to have our needs met. Does it satisfy us?
More on this at a later date;-)
